Driving Miss Daisy
Well eager readers, I spent last weekend participating in a Chicago city ritual known as "The Block Party". I could tell you tales of joy of being in the bosom of my brother's neighbors but life doesn't work like that for me. My morning consisted of trying to get Fred and Ethel ready for the outing. This means helping with hair, wardrobe, and of course listening and or watching the motherland news just in case it's brought up with the neighbors who aren't' of the same ethnic background as us. Whenever I have to drive with Fred, he's apparently having flashbacks of the eighties and the time he tried to teach me how to drive. It was not a Mr. Brady moment, it was more Ralph Kramden turned up to eleven. He expected me to cross traffic because dammit the moment was there. I know the car has the side impact bags and I'm truly grateful. I highly doubt we'd walk away without a scratch if we were hit by oncoming cars going 50+ miles an hour. You do the math.
Verbal digs about everything from my choice of route to my choice of dress were aplenty. He knew there was construction on a certain street and failed to warn me until we were on said street. He smirked, "You're going to have to go another way."It pisses me off to end to have Monday morning quarterbacking thrown at me. Hey you went out this morning. You drove by the construction area near the mall. You could have said something about it before I even got in the car. Anyway usual conversation involves me reminding them to behave themselves. For Fred this means not to make certain remarks about certain ethnic groups. He's the Archie Bunker of the suburbs. Every time we drive to the house of BJ and Minnie, Fred goes on about why did they ever move to the city. Catch a clue Clyde, Minnie doesn't like you or Ethel. She had the tits to actually say this to Ethel's face on a drive once. I told Fred I'd get as close to the block as possible to drop them off and I'd parallel park and meet them there. Oh no no. Not good enough, Fred pitched a fit loud enough for the neighbors to hear about how I'm a bitch for not parking where he wanted . Oh yeah, the embarrassment factor was high and I parked as I saw fit. Entry into the house of BJ and minnie was followed by Minnie grabbing a pop and going out the door. Then BJ lectures me about how I need to be a better person. Sure. I'll also lose weight, become a blond, regrow my virginity, and marry the man you want. Get bent. At least we saw the kids' pet parade go by. We didn't stay for the cookout for Fred had forgotten to take his insulin pen with him. No harm no foul. Since we were coming over Minnie made sure to stock the fridge with oh NOTHING. Any member of the coven arrives, it's stocked with things that would make Oprah Winfrey weep.
Fred and Ethel were very excited about seeing the grandson. Minnie had taken him out of town for business for two weeks for the business she and the coven have created. The little fella had a great time. He was entertained with trips to the train museum, local zoo, and other g-rated locations. Apparently it was too much for Ginnie to handle him for a week so Lynnie graced the states with her prescence. It ticks me off the way BJ is always praising Lynnie. He gloats,"She's works so well with children. She's such a delight to be around ever since she got married. " Give me a break. She has master's degree in education. I would hope the money her mom paid did not to go a paper mill college. The minute her broom touched down into their home last winter, the first thing out of her mouth was "Gee they really haven't done much with the place have they?" Oh yeah, sure she's just fabulous.!
I get the business about not having a job but it's okay for her not to. The double standard bullshit just never ends. The reason she doesn't have a job allegedly is that darling husband didn't fill out the proper paperwork for her to work over the border. He's a moron. If you're getting married and your future wife has to go through red tape to work in your country wouldn't it behoove you to get the ball rolling a day or two earlier. They met courtesy of a website I'll lovingly call inbreeding.com. I think it's great they met and married. It's all a crap shoot no matter how many pre-nups and couseling sessions you have . There's no way you can have a personality makeover once the honeymoon is over. If you were a asshat before most likely you'll always be an asshat.
Today's events involved the usual last minute request from the house of BG and Minnie to babysat. I was allowed to take the young ward to a place I'll call Crackland for Kids otherwise known as Chuck E Cheese. The kid hadn't been there in at least two weeks and he knew how to get there after I parked the car. The minute we enter the doors he was off like a dress on prom night. My nephew asks,"I wanna token. Gimme money" I took cash out of my wallet to start because I knew if I didn't use Minnie's money wisely, the news would run the gauntlet of the family gossip mill. Sometimes being able to mobilize 150 relatives with just one phone call isn't such a good thing. A went on every ride I could think of. He freaked at the sight of costumed Chuck E. Cheese. He got scared and didn't want to dance with the other kids. I calmed him down by telling him it's just a grown up in a costume. Of course when we got home, he lies to Minnie and tell her how he danced with the other kids and met Chuck E. Cheese. Like mother like son.
Actually he was pretty good for the most, he held my hand when I asked him to, sat down when I needed to dig in the purse, and tested the code word I had in place he encountered some creep if he got separated from me. I told him to yell "Bad Touch". He only took off once but knew it wasn't right when I sat him back down. The way it's setup is admission is free but to eat, ride, or play games you have to pay for it. And after three hours , brother did I ever. When you played games you got tickets which you turned in later for prizes. Some games were fun like punch the duck, feed the bear apples and try not to get him hit by a nut thrown by a squirrel, punch the plinko disks. He was too young to play skeeball and learned that the hard way. For some reason the pinball game would just never end and that was annoying. With our earnings he got Chuck E. Cheese stickers and matching puzzle. There was the added bonus of the Chuck E. Cheese balloon but hopes were dashed because I wouldn't let him play with it in the backseat. No dice. My favorite souvenir was for 1 token there was a machine that drew your picture. I posed with Phew twice. It was cute. In the first one he was looking up and in the second one he looked at the camera. I kept the better one because I knew Minnie would "accidentally" throw it away.
Which brings me to the following rant.
He was watching a Barney video that I had gotten for him. He was acting up and as punishment she threatened to throw it out. Excuse me. How about throwing out the gifts that the coven gets him? It caused me great umbrage to see the blankets that my mother and I knitted by HAND for him were tossed on the floor of the laundry room for weeks on end but all of the store bought crap by her sisters is surrounding his bedroom. I swear to God if I ever find out that she threw out the teddy bear that I bought him when he was born, I'll will nail her to wall cross free. Also the name calling of him b-r-a-t. Hey you're raising him, you could change your tactics. He knows not to test Auntie Starla. She don't play.
Verbal digs about everything from my choice of route to my choice of dress were aplenty. He knew there was construction on a certain street and failed to warn me until we were on said street. He smirked, "You're going to have to go another way."It pisses me off to end to have Monday morning quarterbacking thrown at me. Hey you went out this morning. You drove by the construction area near the mall. You could have said something about it before I even got in the car. Anyway usual conversation involves me reminding them to behave themselves. For Fred this means not to make certain remarks about certain ethnic groups. He's the Archie Bunker of the suburbs. Every time we drive to the house of BJ and Minnie, Fred goes on about why did they ever move to the city. Catch a clue Clyde, Minnie doesn't like you or Ethel. She had the tits to actually say this to Ethel's face on a drive once. I told Fred I'd get as close to the block as possible to drop them off and I'd parallel park and meet them there. Oh no no. Not good enough, Fred pitched a fit loud enough for the neighbors to hear about how I'm a bitch for not parking where he wanted . Oh yeah, the embarrassment factor was high and I parked as I saw fit. Entry into the house of BJ and minnie was followed by Minnie grabbing a pop and going out the door. Then BJ lectures me about how I need to be a better person. Sure. I'll also lose weight, become a blond, regrow my virginity, and marry the man you want. Get bent. At least we saw the kids' pet parade go by. We didn't stay for the cookout for Fred had forgotten to take his insulin pen with him. No harm no foul. Since we were coming over Minnie made sure to stock the fridge with oh NOTHING. Any member of the coven arrives, it's stocked with things that would make Oprah Winfrey weep.
Fred and Ethel were very excited about seeing the grandson. Minnie had taken him out of town for business for two weeks for the business she and the coven have created. The little fella had a great time. He was entertained with trips to the train museum, local zoo, and other g-rated locations. Apparently it was too much for Ginnie to handle him for a week so Lynnie graced the states with her prescence. It ticks me off the way BJ is always praising Lynnie. He gloats,"She's works so well with children. She's such a delight to be around ever since she got married. " Give me a break. She has master's degree in education. I would hope the money her mom paid did not to go a paper mill college. The minute her broom touched down into their home last winter, the first thing out of her mouth was "Gee they really haven't done much with the place have they?" Oh yeah, sure she's just fabulous.!
I get the business about not having a job but it's okay for her not to. The double standard bullshit just never ends. The reason she doesn't have a job allegedly is that darling husband didn't fill out the proper paperwork for her to work over the border. He's a moron. If you're getting married and your future wife has to go through red tape to work in your country wouldn't it behoove you to get the ball rolling a day or two earlier. They met courtesy of a website I'll lovingly call inbreeding.com. I think it's great they met and married. It's all a crap shoot no matter how many pre-nups and couseling sessions you have . There's no way you can have a personality makeover once the honeymoon is over. If you were a asshat before most likely you'll always be an asshat.
Today's events involved the usual last minute request from the house of BG and Minnie to babysat. I was allowed to take the young ward to a place I'll call Crackland for Kids otherwise known as Chuck E Cheese. The kid hadn't been there in at least two weeks and he knew how to get there after I parked the car. The minute we enter the doors he was off like a dress on prom night. My nephew asks,"I wanna token. Gimme money" I took cash out of my wallet to start because I knew if I didn't use Minnie's money wisely, the news would run the gauntlet of the family gossip mill. Sometimes being able to mobilize 150 relatives with just one phone call isn't such a good thing. A went on every ride I could think of. He freaked at the sight of costumed Chuck E. Cheese. He got scared and didn't want to dance with the other kids. I calmed him down by telling him it's just a grown up in a costume. Of course when we got home, he lies to Minnie and tell her how he danced with the other kids and met Chuck E. Cheese. Like mother like son.
Actually he was pretty good for the most, he held my hand when I asked him to, sat down when I needed to dig in the purse, and tested the code word I had in place he encountered some creep if he got separated from me. I told him to yell "Bad Touch". He only took off once but knew it wasn't right when I sat him back down. The way it's setup is admission is free but to eat, ride, or play games you have to pay for it. And after three hours , brother did I ever. When you played games you got tickets which you turned in later for prizes. Some games were fun like punch the duck, feed the bear apples and try not to get him hit by a nut thrown by a squirrel, punch the plinko disks. He was too young to play skeeball and learned that the hard way. For some reason the pinball game would just never end and that was annoying. With our earnings he got Chuck E. Cheese stickers and matching puzzle. There was the added bonus of the Chuck E. Cheese balloon but hopes were dashed because I wouldn't let him play with it in the backseat. No dice. My favorite souvenir was for 1 token there was a machine that drew your picture. I posed with Phew twice. It was cute. In the first one he was looking up and in the second one he looked at the camera. I kept the better one because I knew Minnie would "accidentally" throw it away.
Which brings me to the following rant.
He was watching a Barney video that I had gotten for him. He was acting up and as punishment she threatened to throw it out. Excuse me. How about throwing out the gifts that the coven gets him? It caused me great umbrage to see the blankets that my mother and I knitted by HAND for him were tossed on the floor of the laundry room for weeks on end but all of the store bought crap by her sisters is surrounding his bedroom. I swear to God if I ever find out that she threw out the teddy bear that I bought him when he was born, I'll will nail her to wall cross free. Also the name calling of him b-r-a-t. Hey you're raising him, you could change your tactics. He knows not to test Auntie Starla. She don't play.
posted by Starla Spaulding @ 11:10 PM
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