Silent Lucidity
People say that being a parent is the toughest job you'll ever have. I'll take their word for it but I'd like to add another one. Being a caregiver to your parents is no cakewalk. It was a tough weekend with preparing Mom for her colonoscopy test this past Monday. Sunday was bad. It was a liquid diet and drinking the Phosostuff that is totally icky. My bodyclock is still trying to get back to normal after waking up at 4am to get to the hospital by 7am. On the upside the doctor who did the test is the head of the GI department. I got the lowdown from one the nurses. The nurses and cnas in the endoscopy department were really sweet. I know my family is very lucky that this time there is no cancer in her colon but the mystery continues. Why does her breath smell the way it does? That funk has to be coming from somewhere. Hopefully her oncologist will have an answer for me.
When I was up late Sunday night, I shocked to see Charles Gibson talking about the death of Peter Jennings. I felt so bad for him. He appeared to be teary-eyed throughout the entire broadcast.
I felt guilty because I had prayed to God to have my mother not have cancer before I had turned on the television. Cancer seems to be such a crapshoot. Even if it's in remission, there's always the possibility of a return visit. Unlike my usual bargaining prayers of God if my parent lives I promise I'll give something up. But this time I said, I'll get married if that's what you want. I was feeling unsure so I asked God to give me a sign that she'll be okay. I went to bed.
When I woke up I went to the living room to turn on the TV and was having problems getting it turned on. My parents have the Dishtv system. Along with TV channels, there's additional access to music stations that are part of the Sirrus network. My parents have never used the Sirrus radio section of the Dishtv. After I finally turned on the TV , the channel it came to was the Gospel one and it was playing music. Something like this usually would freak me out but I had this sense of calm. Oprah says God speaks in whispers. I feel lucky to have finally gotten one after all of these years of being one step behind.
Speaking of Oprah, I actually had a an "Aha moment". There's a section of "O" magazine where people write an article how they finally figured out something. I thought it was a bunch of bs myself until it finally happened to me. The night before I had also watched on PBS the program "Life Laundry". It's a reorganize your house by getting rid of crap show based from England. I think it's much funny than anything put out by HGTV. After getting the exam results, it finally hit me why I hold on to things longer than I have to. In my mind, I thought if I didn't clean things up my parents won't die. Logically it doesn't make sense, but to me it was a child's way of trying to gain control where she had none. I can't control the outcome of my parents health. Period. If my place is clean or messy their fate is already slated. If I get a job or go back for grad school that won't change anything for them in the grand scheme of things. Everybody dies eventually. It's a sad thought but a reality check nonetheless.
When I was up late Sunday night, I shocked to see Charles Gibson talking about the death of Peter Jennings. I felt so bad for him. He appeared to be teary-eyed throughout the entire broadcast.
I felt guilty because I had prayed to God to have my mother not have cancer before I had turned on the television. Cancer seems to be such a crapshoot. Even if it's in remission, there's always the possibility of a return visit. Unlike my usual bargaining prayers of God if my parent lives I promise I'll give something up. But this time I said, I'll get married if that's what you want. I was feeling unsure so I asked God to give me a sign that she'll be okay. I went to bed.
When I woke up I went to the living room to turn on the TV and was having problems getting it turned on. My parents have the Dishtv system. Along with TV channels, there's additional access to music stations that are part of the Sirrus network. My parents have never used the Sirrus radio section of the Dishtv. After I finally turned on the TV , the channel it came to was the Gospel one and it was playing music. Something like this usually would freak me out but I had this sense of calm. Oprah says God speaks in whispers. I feel lucky to have finally gotten one after all of these years of being one step behind.
Speaking of Oprah, I actually had a an "Aha moment". There's a section of "O" magazine where people write an article how they finally figured out something. I thought it was a bunch of bs myself until it finally happened to me. The night before I had also watched on PBS the program "Life Laundry". It's a reorganize your house by getting rid of crap show based from England. I think it's much funny than anything put out by HGTV. After getting the exam results, it finally hit me why I hold on to things longer than I have to. In my mind, I thought if I didn't clean things up my parents won't die. Logically it doesn't make sense, but to me it was a child's way of trying to gain control where she had none. I can't control the outcome of my parents health. Period. If my place is clean or messy their fate is already slated. If I get a job or go back for grad school that won't change anything for them in the grand scheme of things. Everybody dies eventually. It's a sad thought but a reality check nonetheless.
posted by Starla Spaulding @ 10:44 PM
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