What you know Joe

Dear Joe Burglar and Joe Stalker,

Unlike your brethren, Joe Cool, Big Joe Polka Show, Joe DiMaggio, and Joe Nameth, they didn't feel the need to violate my space. It is motherfuckers like you that deepen my convictions on a harsher illegal immigration policy, harsher prison sentences, reinstating the death penalty, and stricter rules regarding legal immigration. Oh yeah. Mean people suck.

What I'm trying to figure out is how long were you following me? Who are you? What the hell were you thinking that you were going to pull off? How long were you casing B.J and Minnie's home?

In the grand scheme of things I'm just a average Jane. Last time I checked I haven't been on a proper date in three years. I haven't outright rejected anyone. I say please, thank you, and I'm sorry. Even when it's not my fault, I do it just to keep the peace. I had NO idea what it meant when a preacher would say "the devil came like a thief in the night".No doubt. By the grace of God, you never got hold of my nephew. Goddamn fucking straight I'm not just his aunt. I'm his bodyguard and my rates just went up. There's something to be said for being a fabulous and thick lady packing the pounds. Once upon a time I wrestled away keys and tackled a drunk who wanted to drive. God don't make ugly but he did make crazy and I got in line twice. Today you didn't get him. With every breath in my being you will never lay a finger on him.

I take solace in the little things. The cash from my tote bag isn't going to get you very far. When you pilfered my wallet and discovered my saints prayer cards, that enacted my security system. God is my security guard. He along with the 12 Apostles and karma have your license plate buddy. The cell phone wasn't charged. The credit card was past due. How cool are you going to look to the other thieves and pillagers when they find out that you swiped a fucking Hyundai in a sea of Volvo's, Hondas, Jeeps, Ford Explorer's and Toyota Camries? Even I, average Jane,knows that if you're going to swipe a car, a Toyota Camry brings you the most cash in the chop shop. Dumbass!!!!!

I'd like to add that I hope you enjoy cleaning the bird crap that will fall on that car at least twice daily. Enjoy the other religious item, guilt is something that always comes gift-wrapped.

Sincerely,

Annoyed Auntie

ETA: I overanalyzed everything because of the worrywart gene as well just because I'm me. I was raised not to question authority. Looking back I thought, "Why didn't I yell? Why didn't I scream?" If I had slept downstairs, I would have been assaulted and killed without a soul in sight.

B.J. reminds me that the robbing Joes could have slashed my throat. If I had raised my voice, would it have been worth it if B.J. died defending his family? Even worse, I'd be stuck with widowed Minnie and the coven by myself for life. I shudder at the thought. For all the posts where I lash out at B.J. I know I'd be devastated if anything were to happen to him. He says he'd go on without me. After today, I know I'd have a hard time to go on without him. I don't even want to think if anything had happened to Zach.

In true Mertz style, Fred blamed the entire situation on me. Ethel blamed Fred for not having the proper paperwork. He didn't want to stay to help with the clean-up. I think the whole thing rattled him and changes will have to be made whether he likes it or not.
If I had slept downstairs, I could have been physically assaulted and left for dead.

Even Drunken Princess put in an appearance today. I do have to give Minnie's friends props. They came by and helped with repairs. They offered Minnie and I some comic relief. Their kids were a good distraction for Zach.

By the grace of God do we all go.