Merry Medical Christmas
[DISCLAIMER: If you are are about to eat a meal or have just eaten, walk away from this post. Come back to the blog during those inbeteen times]
I so thought that I had all of my bases covered this time. Fred and Ethel's gifts were already done. No gift exchanges between me to B.J. and Minnie.I had gone to Target on Friday night to pick up a last minute gift for Zach. Damn whoever got the size 5 Thomas the Tank pajamas. Never fear easy readers. I went with Spiderman and was able to get matching underwear. I picked up a few things for myself since the deals were too good to pass up. Thank God for plastic. Keep your fingers crossed that I will get a kick ass job with tuition reimbursement very soon. This is where the story is about to go sour.
Christmas Eve morning I woke up feeling like death had me in a vice grip. Somewhere among my many travels, I picked up the stomach flu. When I mean stomach flu, I mean I woke up at 5am and went straight to the toity and it was a liquidy river of poop coming out of my ass. It was a yellow brown vomit color. Anyone who chooses to pay people to do this to them, ie a colonic treatment, is about as nutty as Edwina from AbFab. This joyous experience contiued four or five more times before 7a.m. I felt like I had this thing in my stomach that made me nauseous to no end and I couldn't throw it up. This is why I could never be bulimic or anorexic. It felt like a combo of a drunken hangover and what I imagine to be morning sickness. Although that would have been a hell of a way for me to have a immaculate conception. I wasn't even able to walk erect. I had to hunch over with shoulder slumped, head down, and walking at a shuffle.
When I finally get to Ethel to let her know what's going on, she tells me,"Well why didn't you take something for that?".Oh no she didn't. I could not believe that she was being that cold to me. No I take that back. She's done it before and on numerous occasions. The one I distinctly remember is when I was still old enough to play on a swing set with a attached slide. It was metal, old, and rusty. This was at Cousins house. Late 1970's I'm guessing. Anyway, I was a fat kid and I went through the platform as I was about to go down on the slide. I hung there from the bar over head waiting for my mom to come get me who was inside. The only adult who showed any concern was Uncle OG's wife who came and got me. My mom's opinion on the situation, "Let her stay there and figure it out." I'm emotionally detached enough from the situation that I can say, she probably thought that this would be some kind of motivator for me to figure out how to lose weight and she didn't know any better.
Now as an adult, I just let her have it. I let her know how much I appreciate her concern. As well how whenever anyone gets sick, I'm the first to run out and go get whatever over the counter stuff and get well goodies to make her and anyone else feel better. That it was really great to know that she's able to be so compassionate. I told her there was no way I could go to the family function and to stay the hell out of my sight as I go off to my own world of illness and pestilence.
This pestilence brought Cousin to the phone. Ethel told her that I had a cold. Yeah I should be so lucky. She called under the guise of sending Christmas wishes. Her real intention: Aunt Imogene wanted to know our plans for Christmas Eve and her church is having a Spring Fashion Show. Apparently there are no fat girls in the Ladies Auxillary and they need one to model clothes from Avenue. She lives in a neighborhood where the high school kids swipe collect the plastic Santas and later put them all on someone's lucky lawn in the spring. I thought it was hilarious but didn't say anything. She went to the police station to fill out a report. She took her kids with her so the cop on duty could scare them straight into not pulling this prank.She complained how she didn't know how Beau would pay for the house that he's custom building in Snootyville. I wanted to say, who are we kidding here. Your house, your sister's house as well as Beau's were ALL bankrolled by Aunt Imogene. They are worth over 1 million dollars and that's not counting the side investments she made with Uncle OG over the years. Frugal is not the word. Cheap ass bitch is a better description and the circle remains unbroken.
At least Fred was somewhat normal,he let me make my tea and grab the bottle of Ginger Ale to try and settle my stomach. No dice. I made friends with my toity. It was really weird to have the chills. I had on a tshirt and 2 sweatshirts, socks and sweatpants and even with two comforters I felt that someone had turned on the air conditioner full blast in the living room. I took out the thermometer and it sealed my fate. I had a temperature of 101.5. In the world of Fred and Ethel, B.J. and I were raised with a very strong work ethic. Unless you had a temperature or could vomit without getting out of bed, your body was in school. It earned me a Perfect Attendance Award one year. Some weasel kids in my class that year tried to claim that I in fact had not won , tried to convince me not to take it and say that I had lied. What a bunch of jealous little bastards! I believe God has punished them accordingly. After I was able to prove my illness, Ethel had a change of heart.
Because I damn well knew that I was no condition to get behind the wheel of a car, I attempted to get ahold of B.J. at 1p.m. to make arrangements to get Fred and Ethel to the family function. I thought I was covered when I got ahold of Minnie and explained the situation. She seemed somewhat sympathetic but she only does what she wants when necessary. No, she didn't stop by with Gatorade,Gingerale, or aspirin like I had in the past when she,B.J. or Zach was sick with anything. She was even five minutes away because she was in town picking up some things for Christmas dinner. She may not be able to cook but she does know where to shop. Yesterday B.J. decided to be a weasel. He convinced Ethel that she should stay home with me because I was so violently ill. What an asshole! He knows damn well she doesn't get out much. This is one of the few things she goes to and actually has fun. Then he tells Fred that he won't come and get him because he wants to stay there 'til midnight. I was so upset with him that I cried on the couch. I felt so bad for them. Family doesn't mean as much to me as it does to them. To make matters worse her beloved hair dryer decided that it was the day to die. She complained about her hair and how I was not helping. Oh yeah I was in a great condition to play beauty parlor with my body hunch over waiting to hurl whatever spawn of mucus and bile were stuck in my body.Throughout the day I faded in and out of consciousness. All I wanted to do was to have the day over and done.
Two gold stars for Fred who was able to go out and get me two bottles of Ginger Ale before the stores closed. I must say I was impressed that the malls stuck to a Christmas Eve schedule considering that it was a Saturday night and could have made extra cash. Shame on Kmart on Addison for being opened today. People need a break. Those clerks are not being paid time and a half like in other professions. Trust me.
I couldn't even keep a cracker in my stomach. All it did was cause the nausea to kick in double time, make rumbling noises in my stomach, and create a dirty toxic river to come flowing out of my ass. I even got out my humidifier. In between toity breaks, I actually felt bad for letting my parents down. I was so looking forward to having my gifts wrapped for once before the deadline.
The only thing that made my night was watching that WGN-TV special, "Bozo,Ray,and Gar". It was a compilation of the local kiddie shows that were shown to the Chicago area kids. Garfield Goose, Ray Rayner, and Bozo were staple for me. I remember trying the project where you took a piece of yarn and you were supposed to be able to weave it in and out of a green plastic strawberry basket. Oh yeah that bit the big one. I let Fred know it was on so he was able to enjoy it too. He constantly makes references to Bozo. In fact, it's a pet name he uses for Ethel. He uses the stone of Zanzibar line whenever he tries to read coffee grinds. Because I dozed off every so often, I missed when Bozo met the different mayors, and Oprah. But I didn't miss Suzy Snowflake, Frosty the Snowman or Hard Rock , Coco, and Jo.
Christmas morning greeted me with the ability to walk upright. The fever is gone. The nausea is under control. However my ass still belongs to the toity. While listening to the gospel show on WGCI,I wrapped gifts like no one's business. My years in retail came in handy this morning. I even had enough time to take a shower. Fred was just thrilled that none of the stores were opened today. Parking was pretty tight but I was able to snag a spot after a turnaround.
Zach had hit the jackpot and that didn't include our gifts. Minnie was on a picture taking jag. When Zach refused to smile for an umpteenth photo, she threatened to throw out a candy gift I had given him. This time I spoke up and calmly said I think he's had enough and to maybe do it later. Her eyes may have said I'm the Mama back the hell off fat bitch. My eyes said Bitch bring it on and I'll pitch each and every gift from the coven into Lake Michigan. We backed off respectively. Tis' the season.
Conversation around the dinner table was a mix of surprises. While I was able to mention the Santa swiping story, B.J. was all Mr. Homeowner and how those punk kids were wrong. Um yeah and who exactly swiped a streetsign in college with his fraternity pledge brothers? When I mean a streetsign I don't mean the typical STOP sign or YIELD. I mean when it says Betty Ln./Ridge Ave.,that kind of streetsign. He gave me the news that Cousin Redeemer pledged and was initiated into B.J.'s fraternity at X College. It didn't surprise me. I had mentioned that idea to Cousin WallStreet that Cousin Redeemer should get involved in Greek Life. I know B.J. didn't mention it. I bet a bottle of Merlot that B.J. and LegalBeagle wrote recs for him to get in. He didn't have the greatest grades when he was at Southern. I'm so proud of him. Rushing for men and women is like apples and oranges.
Photos were eventually taken but I doubt I'll ever seen then. Who's to say that they won't get accidentally erased by you know who? As well Minnie said something that struck me. Something along the lines that we should take some pictures of him because you never know where we'll be next year. This year the coven and Widow Hanna all decided to stay in their hometown. Something tells me she wanted to fly her broom that way as well but B.J. wouldn't have it.
I was glad I was able to keep the bare minimum down and that that toity didn't stink too much when a river ran through my colon.After dinner there was watching of the Bears vs. Packers game. Who are we kidding, we watched during dinner too. But after the dishes were cleared, Ethel, Zach and myself sponge painted, finger painted and brush painted at the kitchen table.
Congratulations to the Chicago Bears for winning their Division and kicking some Packer ass. There's your proof that Santa is a Bears fan.
I so thought that I had all of my bases covered this time. Fred and Ethel's gifts were already done. No gift exchanges between me to B.J. and Minnie.I had gone to Target on Friday night to pick up a last minute gift for Zach. Damn whoever got the size 5 Thomas the Tank pajamas. Never fear easy readers. I went with Spiderman and was able to get matching underwear. I picked up a few things for myself since the deals were too good to pass up. Thank God for plastic. Keep your fingers crossed that I will get a kick ass job with tuition reimbursement very soon. This is where the story is about to go sour.
Christmas Eve morning I woke up feeling like death had me in a vice grip. Somewhere among my many travels, I picked up the stomach flu. When I mean stomach flu, I mean I woke up at 5am and went straight to the toity and it was a liquidy river of poop coming out of my ass. It was a yellow brown vomit color. Anyone who chooses to pay people to do this to them, ie a colonic treatment, is about as nutty as Edwina from AbFab. This joyous experience contiued four or five more times before 7a.m. I felt like I had this thing in my stomach that made me nauseous to no end and I couldn't throw it up. This is why I could never be bulimic or anorexic. It felt like a combo of a drunken hangover and what I imagine to be morning sickness. Although that would have been a hell of a way for me to have a immaculate conception. I wasn't even able to walk erect. I had to hunch over with shoulder slumped, head down, and walking at a shuffle.
When I finally get to Ethel to let her know what's going on, she tells me,"Well why didn't you take something for that?".Oh no she didn't. I could not believe that she was being that cold to me. No I take that back. She's done it before and on numerous occasions. The one I distinctly remember is when I was still old enough to play on a swing set with a attached slide. It was metal, old, and rusty. This was at Cousins house. Late 1970's I'm guessing. Anyway, I was a fat kid and I went through the platform as I was about to go down on the slide. I hung there from the bar over head waiting for my mom to come get me who was inside. The only adult who showed any concern was Uncle OG's wife who came and got me. My mom's opinion on the situation, "Let her stay there and figure it out." I'm emotionally detached enough from the situation that I can say, she probably thought that this would be some kind of motivator for me to figure out how to lose weight and she didn't know any better.
Now as an adult, I just let her have it. I let her know how much I appreciate her concern. As well how whenever anyone gets sick, I'm the first to run out and go get whatever over the counter stuff and get well goodies to make her and anyone else feel better. That it was really great to know that she's able to be so compassionate. I told her there was no way I could go to the family function and to stay the hell out of my sight as I go off to my own world of illness and pestilence.
This pestilence brought Cousin to the phone. Ethel told her that I had a cold. Yeah I should be so lucky. She called under the guise of sending Christmas wishes. Her real intention: Aunt Imogene wanted to know our plans for Christmas Eve and her church is having a Spring Fashion Show. Apparently there are no fat girls in the Ladies Auxillary and they need one to model clothes from Avenue. She lives in a neighborhood where the high school kids swipe collect the plastic Santas and later put them all on someone's lucky lawn in the spring. I thought it was hilarious but didn't say anything. She went to the police station to fill out a report. She took her kids with her so the cop on duty could scare them straight into not pulling this prank.She complained how she didn't know how Beau would pay for the house that he's custom building in Snootyville. I wanted to say, who are we kidding here. Your house, your sister's house as well as Beau's were ALL bankrolled by Aunt Imogene. They are worth over 1 million dollars and that's not counting the side investments she made with Uncle OG over the years. Frugal is not the word. Cheap ass bitch is a better description and the circle remains unbroken.
At least Fred was somewhat normal,he let me make my tea and grab the bottle of Ginger Ale to try and settle my stomach. No dice. I made friends with my toity. It was really weird to have the chills. I had on a tshirt and 2 sweatshirts, socks and sweatpants and even with two comforters I felt that someone had turned on the air conditioner full blast in the living room. I took out the thermometer and it sealed my fate. I had a temperature of 101.5. In the world of Fred and Ethel, B.J. and I were raised with a very strong work ethic. Unless you had a temperature or could vomit without getting out of bed, your body was in school. It earned me a Perfect Attendance Award one year. Some weasel kids in my class that year tried to claim that I in fact had not won , tried to convince me not to take it and say that I had lied. What a bunch of jealous little bastards! I believe God has punished them accordingly. After I was able to prove my illness, Ethel had a change of heart.
Because I damn well knew that I was no condition to get behind the wheel of a car, I attempted to get ahold of B.J. at 1p.m. to make arrangements to get Fred and Ethel to the family function. I thought I was covered when I got ahold of Minnie and explained the situation. She seemed somewhat sympathetic but she only does what she wants when necessary. No, she didn't stop by with Gatorade,Gingerale, or aspirin like I had in the past when she,B.J. or Zach was sick with anything. She was even five minutes away because she was in town picking up some things for Christmas dinner. She may not be able to cook but she does know where to shop. Yesterday B.J. decided to be a weasel. He convinced Ethel that she should stay home with me because I was so violently ill. What an asshole! He knows damn well she doesn't get out much. This is one of the few things she goes to and actually has fun. Then he tells Fred that he won't come and get him because he wants to stay there 'til midnight. I was so upset with him that I cried on the couch. I felt so bad for them. Family doesn't mean as much to me as it does to them. To make matters worse her beloved hair dryer decided that it was the day to die. She complained about her hair and how I was not helping. Oh yeah I was in a great condition to play beauty parlor with my body hunch over waiting to hurl whatever spawn of mucus and bile were stuck in my body.Throughout the day I faded in and out of consciousness. All I wanted to do was to have the day over and done.
Two gold stars for Fred who was able to go out and get me two bottles of Ginger Ale before the stores closed. I must say I was impressed that the malls stuck to a Christmas Eve schedule considering that it was a Saturday night and could have made extra cash. Shame on Kmart on Addison for being opened today. People need a break. Those clerks are not being paid time and a half like in other professions. Trust me.
I couldn't even keep a cracker in my stomach. All it did was cause the nausea to kick in double time, make rumbling noises in my stomach, and create a dirty toxic river to come flowing out of my ass. I even got out my humidifier. In between toity breaks, I actually felt bad for letting my parents down. I was so looking forward to having my gifts wrapped for once before the deadline.
The only thing that made my night was watching that WGN-TV special, "Bozo,Ray,and Gar". It was a compilation of the local kiddie shows that were shown to the Chicago area kids. Garfield Goose, Ray Rayner, and Bozo were staple for me. I remember trying the project where you took a piece of yarn and you were supposed to be able to weave it in and out of a green plastic strawberry basket. Oh yeah that bit the big one. I let Fred know it was on so he was able to enjoy it too. He constantly makes references to Bozo. In fact, it's a pet name he uses for Ethel. He uses the stone of Zanzibar line whenever he tries to read coffee grinds. Because I dozed off every so often, I missed when Bozo met the different mayors, and Oprah. But I didn't miss Suzy Snowflake, Frosty the Snowman or Hard Rock , Coco, and Jo.
Christmas morning greeted me with the ability to walk upright. The fever is gone. The nausea is under control. However my ass still belongs to the toity. While listening to the gospel show on WGCI,I wrapped gifts like no one's business. My years in retail came in handy this morning. I even had enough time to take a shower. Fred was just thrilled that none of the stores were opened today. Parking was pretty tight but I was able to snag a spot after a turnaround.
Zach had hit the jackpot and that didn't include our gifts. Minnie was on a picture taking jag. When Zach refused to smile for an umpteenth photo, she threatened to throw out a candy gift I had given him. This time I spoke up and calmly said I think he's had enough and to maybe do it later. Her eyes may have said I'm the Mama back the hell off fat bitch. My eyes said Bitch bring it on and I'll pitch each and every gift from the coven into Lake Michigan. We backed off respectively. Tis' the season.
Conversation around the dinner table was a mix of surprises. While I was able to mention the Santa swiping story, B.J. was all Mr. Homeowner and how those punk kids were wrong. Um yeah and who exactly swiped a streetsign in college with his fraternity pledge brothers? When I mean a streetsign I don't mean the typical STOP sign or YIELD. I mean when it says Betty Ln./Ridge Ave.,that kind of streetsign. He gave me the news that Cousin Redeemer pledged and was initiated into B.J.'s fraternity at X College. It didn't surprise me. I had mentioned that idea to Cousin WallStreet that Cousin Redeemer should get involved in Greek Life. I know B.J. didn't mention it. I bet a bottle of Merlot that B.J. and LegalBeagle wrote recs for him to get in. He didn't have the greatest grades when he was at Southern. I'm so proud of him. Rushing for men and women is like apples and oranges.
Photos were eventually taken but I doubt I'll ever seen then. Who's to say that they won't get accidentally erased by you know who? As well Minnie said something that struck me. Something along the lines that we should take some pictures of him because you never know where we'll be next year. This year the coven and Widow Hanna all decided to stay in their hometown. Something tells me she wanted to fly her broom that way as well but B.J. wouldn't have it.
I was glad I was able to keep the bare minimum down and that that toity didn't stink too much when a river ran through my colon.After dinner there was watching of the Bears vs. Packers game. Who are we kidding, we watched during dinner too. But after the dishes were cleared, Ethel, Zach and myself sponge painted, finger painted and brush painted at the kitchen table.
Congratulations to the Chicago Bears for winning their Division and kicking some Packer ass. There's your proof that Santa is a Bears fan.
posted by Starla Spaulding @ 7:52 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home