Can You See The Real Me?

It's a sunny day out today. The temperature is decent. But my heart is so heavy. There'll be a a few film references. Since I'm feeling a bit selfish, it will be up to whoever wants to take the extra step to go to . That's stands for the International Move Data Base. Nine times out of ten I'll always invert the d and b. Perhaps an easy way to remember is to think of that actor D.B. Sweeney. Not to be confused with Sweeney Todd.

This morning I woke up and Ethel is watching a film that has the following quote "Do not let your past dictate who you'll become but let it be a part of who you are". I apologize if I butchered the quote. I'm in the doghouse because the Dish isn't cooperating and of course it's my fault. I'll have to say last night SNL put an interesting spin on the immigration issue. Assimilation into this country is not easy for first generation children such as myself. There's a fine line you have to walk and sometimes you fall off of the highwire. I can remember as a child I had my school me of sorts. However the minute I walked up the stairs and through the door you felt as if you were transplanted back to the Motherland. At times it's been a blessing and other times a curse. I had a friend visiting from Missouri. The very minute she stepped into my parents kitchen I'll never forget what M. said. "It feels like I'm in a scene straight out of the "Godfather". " Well you can guess how I felt about the whole thing.

I thought I'd be able to be productive and go through some clutter watching this afternoon's matinee. Instead I cried through the whole thing. I didn't reach for a kleenex until afterwards because I didn't want to waste any. It's a old Hallmark classic,"Miss Rose White". I was so surprised that I couldn't find it at the local Hallmark where they had so many other titles on dvd. I had to have the library do an interlibrary search to find it. But they did and it was on VHS. I struggle so much with trying to find my place in the world. How many days I've wished I was someone else and somewhere else? I've stopped taking count.

There are those days when I feel I could pass for Waspy Betty. On more than one occasion I've been told by certain people in my ethnic background that I don't look like one of them. I certainly have the education. The skills I didn't learn along the way via a trial by fire, I picked up in a book. However there's only so much a book could teach you. When I was younger I was so angry at my mom. There were so many things I needed to know and because she didn't grow up in a urban environment she didn't know the answers. Looking back now I know it wasn't her fault. It didn't help that the relatives I could have gotten advice from where either selfish, manipulative, or ignorant themselves. But I feel I'm forever playing catch up with everyone else. It hurts and it sucks. I think I've hit the threshold of being told x amount of times. Sorry you just don't measure up.

I understand that in the acting industry women are constantly undergoing makeovers and physical transformations so they can earn a paycheck. I've always wanted to ask. Is selling your soul really worth it to get what you want? There's a certain actress that People did one of those pictorials over the years to show how the person changed. The very obvious was the she got a nose job and colored contacts. I guess I'm a hypocrite for thinking the way I do. The flipside is embracing who you are flaws and all. Go out easy readers and see "Phat Girlz" starring the ever fabulous M'onique. If you feel like learning more then go out and get "Skinny bitches are evil".

Then there are the days when I feel I could be back in the Motherland living the agrarian life. I know had my parents not decided to come here I would most likely have been stuck in some god-awful arranged marriage and had ookabillion children by now. I thought the balancing act was supposed to be easier not be made worse.

It's not that I'm not grateful for what blessings I do have. I just don't know what my purpose is in the big picture. I've been praying alot about which direction I should take. I just afford to make anymore mistakes. Sometimes I think you're only given so many chances. and then you're kinda stuck with what you've got. Please tell that I'm not stuck here. I'm not looking for a greener backyard. The Jones' can do as they please. I just want a different kind of place.