Who Could It Be Now?

Apparently the fun never ends when you're a survivor of a crime. Yesterday we get letter from the City of Big Shoulders. Joe Burglar went through a redlight. It was caught by the high-tech cameras. And we win a ninety dollar ticket. Of course Fred completely loses it because I apparently attract burglars. I'll admit some of the guys I've dated were idiots, assholes, liars, drug-addicts, cheaters, but not burglars.

In things I don't want to deal with department, the cell phone people decided not to include the SIM card when they replaced the phone. Thank you NAFTA. Some low-paying factory worker decides to stick it to "the man" by not giving the phone what it needs. Isn't bad enough that I have to pay a deductible for this damn thing?

My cousin Annette, from Fred's side of the family, has left the states to go live in the big city in the motherland. She couldn't handle community college and was stringing along her parents. Her mom, Aunt Frederica, is such an airhead. Once during a visit with Ethel, she was telling us how Annette was planning on becoming a neo-natal nurse. Aunt Frederica was complaining how Annette can't get into any of her classes because there's a waiting list for all of her classes. I suspected there was something slim shady about it. I informed her if Annette had been accepted at a 4 year college this wouldn't be an issue. I asked how Annette decided on such a career switch. The last time I had heard anything it was how Annette was going to be a teacher. Frederica went on to say how Annette was influence by her cousin Gwendolyn. She is the daughter of Frederica's sister, Emma. Gwen graduated from Elmhurst College in nursing. Emma's husband, Mr. Groper, is a sleazoid. At one family function at Frederica and Maxim's , he hit on me. He put his hand above my knee in a gross old pervert kind of way. Luckily a relative came by and he let go. I told my mom and to this day I've never gone back to their New Year's Day Buffet.

Who are you?

With all that's going on in the world,US soldiers dying in Iraq, the lives lost in hurricane Katrina, the recent deaths of the elderly in that bus crash in Texas, I should be grateful and counting my blessings. Today,I'm just not feeling it. Read at your own risk.

Fred hangs out at the local food court with the rest of the old geezers in the afternoons. The quality of these retirees must be bad because he's been a big asshole lately. Yesterday, I asked what's for dinner and he gets all bitchy because I didn't ooh and ahh over some piece of crap he found dumpster diving. He denies he does this and that a "friend" gave it to him. Oh yeah all of the so-called friends that surprisingly he's never invited over. Lords only knows the kind of tails he spins when he lives the house. I tell him to quit lying and get over it. He tells me to leave and I do. Because of the weather, I improvised with some vanilla wafer cookies and soy milk for dinner.

This morning, I go over and get my coffee. I don't why I did the following but I did. I tell him that I didn't appreciate the way he treated me and asked what was going on. He proceeds to verbally attack me about what a fuckup I am. The classic line of how I'm doomed to live in a cardboard box eating cat food was thrown at me. Ethel tries to intervened and tell me how I'm causing trouble. WTF. He continues to boast about how "he worked seven days in a week goddammit" and paid for college for B.J. and I. Never let it be said at times receiving anything from Fred and or Ethel doesn't come with some type of string, chain, rope, bungee cord, or duct tape. As far as I'm concerned, I consider it payment for services rendered.

Tell me how many nine year olds do you know that had to spend their weekends screening tenants to rent apartments? How about having to balance a checkbook? Sitting on the sidelines because we "didn't have enough" for me to do anything but somehow your dad didn't go without. Miracously B.J. was able to get extras. I worked during high school and was still involved in activities. Of course getting rides from you also meant that I had to endure the verbal assaults in the car about what a loser I was. Nothing beats crying in the ladies room and then having to put on a brave face to perform at half-time. Meanwhile your buddies kids were druggies , juvenile delinquents, and not destined for the Rhodes Scholar route. How about going with you to the unemployment office to help you with the paperwork. The summers I spent working crappy temp jobs during college because you and Ethel HAD to go back to the motherland so you could build the dreamhouse. The verbal digs would begin the minute I'd pick them up from the airport. Usually in 30 seconds or less. Instead of going on internships, I was stuck being manager of the domicile of the damned. B.J. never had to stop from his path. How about me having to come home from college#1 because Ethel was about to dump your sorry ass and you had no clue how to pay the bills. Although she'll deny it, she did admit in a moment of truth that she regretted not getting out when she did. Or you not telling and giving me the letter so I could reenroll back at college #1 on time?

I have to thank the humanity critic for sharing in a recent post about his dad. It is provident that I prepare myself for this most unlikely Hallmark moment . Whenever Fred is in the hospital he goes on about what a great daughter I am. I totally know it's the drugs. I'd be a fool if I didn't know B.J. is their favorite.

Logically I know nothing that I will ever do will be good enough for them. It's been so hard to change my patterns. Somewhere in my psyche I think they'll change and it's just not going to happen. No matter how much I wish it otherwise to be. I reached a new level of something. When I got back to my own space, tears came out of my eyes. It wasn't the typical girly boo-hoo woe is me put my face in a pillow to silent my cries. I was watching "Oprah" and these long tears were just started flowing out of my eyes. At first I thought, I shouldn't be sad, I'm watching Oprah and I love watching ballroom dancing. But even my body couldn't deny my true feelings of how I felt. Unbelievable. The body has this way of letting you not denying yourself. I don't know how else to explain it. Maybe I just have a crappy poker face.

I really don't want go to spend the afternoon with the church ladies. In true third party fashion, Aunt Imogene calls Ethel to relay the following. If I'm not going to attend the church ladies function, to please let them know so they can find someone else. Oh now they have someone else they want to bring. What a bunch of fucking twisted bitches!!! How about having the tits to call me and be honest Lullabelle? Jesus Christ on a crutch. I guess I don't cut even the church circuit. Goddamn it. I'm going to have Ethel send a check and not show up. Whatever. It's not like they can't afford it either. It's no big secret that since Imogene and Bubba lived like cheapskates that they have some major cash. When they had the truck stop greasy spoon and bar in the boonies, they hid money in the sewer pipes so Uncle Sam wouldn't know about the positive cash flow. It so annoying that the skinflint sisters as well as their cocky brother have continued the tradition. I'll never understand why I have such a cesspool of relatives that I have to interact with. Calgon is not strong enough to take them away.

As much as I love Chicago, the city and area itself, I need to pick up stakes and get the fuck out of my life. I've really been struggling and praying on this.

Slipping into darkness

Well it's official. The following quote comes courtesy of a story in The Chicago Tribune.
"All Marshall Field's stores will convert to Macy's nameplate in fall 2006."

I felt like someone had punched me in the gut when I read the news. I was too stunned to notice the online survey where at least 90% of the people responding will not shop at the Chicago Macy's. FWIW I did post in the comment section. That's probably the closest I'll ever get to having my opinion posted in a major newspaper.

I swear people in positions of power have been making (in my best Dr. Phil voice) what-hell-were-you-thinking decisions lately. Mayor Nagin wanted to have people come back to New Orleans to live even though the drinking water is not safe among the other hazards. Why did it take for another tropical storm for him to catch a clue?

Please exercise your right to let Federated Stores know what a bunch of buffoons they are for changing the name. CEO Terry Lundgren, the people who conducted your marketing survey must have done them in New York because there's no way the locals would have agreed to this.
www.federated-fds.com/contact/general.asp Also add your name to the online petition at http://www.keepitfields.org.

Macy's is New York. Marshall Field's is Chicago. I still don't shop in the local Bloomindale's just on principle. Over 130yrs. of a legacy will be lost. The original Marshall Fields established customer service standards that are still internationally practiced today. It was part what is now considered to be the first outdoor mall in Lake Forest. It's Marshall Fields Frango Mints not Macy's Frango Mints. Mayor Daley isn't fooling anyone. How hard would it have been to make it a national landmark ? I would rather the building be turned into condos like it did in Evanston than it be a Macy's. And jobs will be lost. Most likely in January 2007, in a decision using the jargon of corporate restructuring. I feel so sorry for my Aunt Frederica. She works at the one in Schaumburg.

Enjoy the stroll down my memory lane. Field's was the store that you shop for a special occasion. I bought my first swatch watch there. I bought of part of my rush week wardrobe there. I went to the Walnut Room for my birthday when I was in my twenties. I remember the linen table cloths and the deep dark color of the wood. The real Frango mints that were chocolate ecstasy. The Marshall Field's clock on State Street. has been a meeting place for the masses. It was a landmark for me when I had to walk at night from my painting class. I knew I was getting closer to home when the clock was in my sights. The Christmas windows are something I loved to see every season. I will it make it my mission to take Zach there this Christmas season. I hope to pick up a Marshall Field's musical snowglobe.

I understand the need to make a buck more than anyone. Come on. It's bad enough Comiskey Park is now Cellular Field. Wrigley's chewing gum is now going to be made somewhere in Georgia. I still cringe when tourists call The United Center, Chicago Stadium. I'll probably feel the same way when Carson Pirie Scott hits the skids. If they every outsource Garrett's Popcorn, a plague of locusts will march down Michigan Avenue.

Cruel To Be Kind

When I caught you in a lie, you tell me I'm playing games. I know something's up.You called me a liar and get defensive. You proceed to bury yourself by offering detailed information I never asked about. That's a red flag you've already done it. You suck. Oh and automatic loss of cool points.

I could give a laundry list of reasons as to why I'm not dating locally. Ironically I thought it would keep me safe and the recent events have proved me wrong. More importantly I don't think any man should be subjected to my relatives ,unless as my Uncle Bubba would say "It's a done deal". On certain days online internet dating serves its' purpose. Peoples thoughts are edited and actually appear intelligent. Photos are doctored through Photoshop or other design programs for instant makeovers without the surgery or a reality show. Chats are structured in a way to keep the distance and not put yourself totally on the line. But who's kidding who here? If you can emotionally cheat, you can emotionally fuck.

Anytime I see you up in my buddy list and I choke when I play online scrabble. Time I have spent chatting with you could have been spent doing something productive. The following activities for example: laundry,updating the resume, attacking the clutter, exercise (okay even I think that's funny even for me). Today's little online fight has me questioning my motives for continuing in this fashion. Your interests having me going to an outside source so I can verify my theory about you. It would be so easy for me to pick up and move to where you are. *Poof* Instant relationship. Dream life. Get real. Aldo Nova, you were so wrong.

Someone recently posted the following phrase that I will use as my dating mantra.
"You can't always help who you like,
you can help who you pay attention to,
and how much time you spend with people"

In the useless trivia department, Britney Spears is now a mom. It's a boy. It would be funny if the kid turns out to have Justin Timberlake as a daddy. Jenny McCarthy is a divorced mom. But I was really bummed to hear this about her. I could have cared less when Aniston/Pitt split up. Gee if she can't hold on to a man, what hope is there for the rest of us?

I dropped off the DVD's to avoid paying fines. For the 3rd time, I have yet to view The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie all the way through. As a kid, I remember seeing the story in paperback at a library or a bookstore and for some reason I never picked it up. I'm playing catch-up in some ways on the kid-lit I missed on my first trip around.

On the drive home, I saw an old man, grey haired, driving a corvette and I giggled. The viagra and mid-life crisis jokes went through my head. Eventually I just stopped it and thought "Hey if he has the money, let live and God bless". Then while I was on the road, a jerk in a brand new SUV cuts in front of me and didn't use a turn signal. Idiot. But he got his because as he was speeding, he had to slam on the brakes because the corvette guy was making a turn. That ends the episode of comeuppance drivers.

My alma mater is helping 19 college students displaced by Hurricane Katrina. They're slow on the uptake but they can step up to the plate. Also congratulations go to North Barrington Elementary School. They collected backpacks, filled them with donated school supplies, and sent them a Houston school district that was enrolling kids displaced by the hurricane. And a little child shall lead them.

You Make The Call

How would it go over if President Bush and the rest of the cast involved for the breakdown in communication just say a group "I'm sorry"? Or if the song "I'm sorry" by Brenda Lee plays while a slideshow of everyone involved goes by once a day. No press conferences. No more all my hurricane updates. My taxes are paying for you to do something. Get busy.

A woman I'll call DixieDana had the following dating experience. Mr. Widower had pursued her for over a month for a date. At his insistence, she spent eight hours in instant messages with him answering questions. If you've ever taken the purity test, then you know it wasn't just about whether you leave the cap off on the toothpaste or not. After their first date, which was at lunch at a local restaurant, she could tell he was interested because he was touchy feely and they smooched in the parking lot when they went to their respective cars. At first I was like "You go girl!!!", then I came to my senses.

I've been told that if someone is interested in you, they don't try to jam their tongue down your throat on the first date. I'll add to the list. Also they don't try to get romantic by licking your ear. When I say ear, I don't mean the earlobe. Instead of kissing me goodnight on the lips, creepy boy from my college days decided it was romantic to give my entire ear a tongue bath. I know there's a fetish for everyone. I learned the hard way this one isn't mine. Back to date.

A week later was take two for DixieDana and Mr. Widower.First of all he doesn't bother to get in touch with her until Saturday morning. At least he didn't pull the "I'll call you" routine. They finally start the date in the afternoon. It was time for the classic dinner and a movie. He came to pick her up. He brought her flowers. They went to the movie. Please don't post in comments and ask me what the movie was because I forgot to ask her. In modern day fashion, they head back to her place and her drought ends.Flavored condoms get unwrapped and are quite tasty. He calls her "his girlfriend". Angels start to sing but the cut-off was at 2am. He announces that he has to go home because he has to "feed the dog". Please keep in mind he only lives 30 minutes away from her. His dog was not going to suffer Hurricane Katrina conditions. I know traffic on an early Sunday morning is nonexistent in most cities. She felt bad because she thinks he would have stayed if she had asked him to spend the night. WTF is wrong with this picture? Isn't it kinda of a gimmie you sleep over if you have sex? Wouldn't most men want the extra sex they'd get in the morning because of the extra guest under the covers?

Since she gave over the keys to the kingdom for dinner and a movie, he's not as attentive. They don't talk as often and instant messages take a long time to get answered. She's going out of town this weekend and he said he's going on a date Saturday night. They know mutual people and are attending a the same party in a few weeks. She asked me what to do because Mr. Widower and Mr. DatePotential will be there. I told her to be civil to Mr. Widower and give Mr. DatePotential a chance. I will forward any words of wisdom you easy readers can give her.

My Kind of Town

Good Mornin' ,Good Mornin'
Chicago Police recovered Fred's car,
Good Mornin' ,Good Mornin' to you,
Joe Burglar and Joe Stalker are now in lock up,
Damn straight Starla pressed charges
Good Mornin', Good Mornin' to you.

Due to the fact, that this thing is going to trial I can't dish any details. B.J. was right as to who he thought it was. What was funny was that the police contacted us at around the same time the incident occurred last week. It was a very deja-vu moment. At least this time, I was packing a hammer when the news came. If it was good enough for Arlo Guthrie and Trini Lopez, then it's fine by me.

In true Fred fashion, he was belligerent and threatened to report B.J.'s car as stolen if I went down to the police station. Hell bells, I was going to see about HIS car. He was such a jackass. It wasn't as if I was heading down to The Green Mill to tie one on. Althought if the timing had been better, I would have done that. I had to get down there to press charges or else they were going to let them go. I was not having it. I put on my big girl panties and took off. I'll admit that I felt like I was the shit for a little bit when the theme song from the movie "Shaft" by Isaac Hayes came on the radio. Then it was back to the regulary scheduled thoughts of "Please God, don't let me get carjacked on the way to the police station". I had to stop by a gas station to fill up. B.J. was a weasel with leaving the car with little gas. I don't know how this happened but I managed to almost fill up his car on a twenty dollar bill. I didn't feel like doing the math. But with prices being at least $3.39, even I know that doesn't add up. I felt like I was having a Hanukkah moment and I'm not Jewish. For the non-Jewish readers, the condensed version of events is after the battle the amount of oil to light the Menorah was only enough for a day but stayed lit for seven days. Or was it 8?

Some lady got there ahead of me trying to find her son that was arrested as a juvenile. She tried to act nonchalant about it. Excuse me, where the hell were you that your son was out at this time of night? I know I'm old school on a lot of things. But I had friends who were raised by single moms and someone they managed to mind them. Their moms did not play when it came to expecting them to stay out of trouble.

I talked with one of the arresting officers. I felt like I was in an episode of "Cops". It felt surreal. I saw the car. It creeped me out to see their crap in the car. I was naive in thinking I'd find the religious article that was left in the glove compartment. But they must have had some kind of conscience because there were those little brochures from Victory Something Church. Per Fred's instructions, the car is in an impound lot.

I felt kind of embarrassed when I was playing phone tag between 311, towing center, and officers. She asked if I could bring someone with me to take the car or else it was going to the impound lot. B.J. and Minnie were not around to help. Fred was out of the question. He didn't want me making extra calls on his phone. Since my sense of direction is not the greatest ,I knew I'd feel bad to bother Catsmeow and wake up another household. I knew BonnieHuntJr. didn't have a car. Ethel didn't feel like going. When I told her I didn't have anyone, she said "Don't you have any other friends?". I had to tell her I didn't have anyone. I hold myself partially responsible in this. Since I moved back home to help take care of them, I haven't expanded my social circle. Extra money is not a luxury around here. I lost touch with my out-of-state friends since Fred and Ethel never gave me their messages. There are times that I truly cherish my solitude. There are times where it's a curse and I cry. This experience is a true life lesson for me to get on with my life and get going.

And so it goes

Happy new month to one and all. Enjoy the new template.

It figures a natural disaster occurs to further remind me that I do not have it as bad as those who live in Louisiana or on the Gulf Coast. It pisses me off that five years ago it was on the table to have a retaining wall built to protect the levees. But no no!! Heaven forbid money gets spent to prevent disasters. The media describes how stoic the Governor, Senator, and Mayor and former Mayor are throughout the post Hurricane Katrina cleanup. Well hell they got out and I'm guessing their families did as well. WGN's Steve Cohran show commented show they are all of this media is there. Hey if you're going to cover a disaster, wouldn't it be a good idea to bring some supplies with you to help out? If they have I think it's great.

I will do my part and post some websites where you can contribute your money. Here it goes.
Red Cross
Humane Society's Disaster Relief Fund - people did lose their pets. One news programs showed a guy who walked over 15 miles trying to find his dog that was lost. I hope he find her.
The McCormick Tribune Foundation -for every dollar you donate they will match your fifty cents .
Yarn.com -link came to me in an email courtesy of my Stitch n Bitch group. They will donate 10% of their sales from now until September 11.
In case I misspelled websites, please google accordingly.

My prayers go out to those who lost loved ones,friends, and pets. I commend the military, police, doctors, nurses, cnas, other personnel, as well as volunteers who had to stay behind to take care of the elderly and the sick in the hospitals. I haven't been able to get a hold of a close friend whose brother was living in Louisiana as of 2002. Dr. Goewert I pray you're okay and safe.

On WGN's "The World of John Williams", they interviewed Dr. James Sullivan , affiliated with St. Joseph's Hospital in Chicago. He was in New Orleans for a convention prior to the hurricane. He has been conducting triage along with other doctors in The Ritz-Carlton Ballroom. Over 1000 are trapped there. They are treating the sick and educating the others on the diseases they will get when they come into immediate contact with the dirty water because of the germs. Diarrhea will be just one of the many illnesses that they will get because they weren't the chosen few who could get out. There are now reports of riots in Baton Rouge. And if pillaging isn't bad enough now there are reports of rapes as well.